THE PROBLEM WITH LONELINESS
The problem with loneliness is that it feels wrong. It feels like a weakness.
Weak and wrong, are meta feelings you hold for loneliness, i.e., how you feel about feeling lonely, and these meta feelings create a tension in your mind that blocks you from breaking through your loneliness.
You may think, that if you had more friends you wouldn’t feel lonely, and yet, paradoxically, people can feel lonely even with lots of friends around them.
Therefore, seeking to make friends and meet people often only masks the problem, which is you do not accept feeling lonely. The thing I've understood about loneliness is that it is okay. As in – it is okay to feel lonely sometimes.
Life is lonely
Life is inherently lonely, especially considering that only you truly know what's going on inside your mind.
No one can ever know the whole of you. Each of us is like a separate universe in our mind, and our interactions with others only further proves this fact, as we often find it difficult to communicate how we really feel, or conversely, to understand another person without making grossly inaccurate assumptions and/or causing conflict.
To combat this inherent loneliness, is to find solace in your life's journey. To define your meaning and purpose and to apply your time and energy toward healthy pursuits of your purpose. This creates a deeper connection with yourself and meaning in life.
Keeping in mind that we are all inherently alone on our journeys, an important question to ask yourself is: what do you wish to make your life's journey about?
For some lucky so-and-so's, they discover their passions early on, and commit to making their lives completely about that. But for many of us our passions can seem faint, non-existent or inconceivable.
And now is a good moment to introduce you to the idea that all of life is empty and meaningless.
Life is empty & meaningless
No matter where you sit on the scale of zero to passionate about your life - everything is just as it is.
The sky is as it is. The world is as it is. Other people are who they are.
How you feel and identify in life is your interpretation. And for every viewpoint, you will find another person with an equal and opposite viewpoint. Neither is inherently correct. With science, we align on thinking and yet, science is also subject to change.
Now, before you start thinking – “well, if all of life is empty & meaningless, then what's the point?”, I'll skip on to the notion that we humans are meaning-making machines.
Humans are meaning making machines
Meaning is in the eye of the beholder. Your interpretation of life matters.
We each have a unique perspective, as each of us is an alternate universe. Of course, sometimes your ideals and beliefs mesh with others, but seldom does one person 100% align with the beliefs of another.
What's all this got to do with the topic of loneliness?
The answer is: your perspective! More precisely, your perspective is important to making your life meaningful and creating connection with yourself first. In allowing yourself to think and feel your way through life, you will discover your personal perspective, grow a greater appreciation of yourself, that naturally lends itself to being able share your discoveries with others.
Enjoy your personal experience
In enjoying your personal experience and sharing it, you will feel connected to life and connected to others. You may even find yourself curious to understand how others see the world.
And in doing so, no matter where you go, you will note, all humans are on the same discovery voyage and therefore must, at times, feel lonely too, on their expedition to self-discovery.
The feeling of loneliness, from this perspective, is not a weakness or wrong thing, but a opportunity to take pause and reflect on your connection to yourself and life. To attempt to subjugate loneliness by meeting people would distract you from an opportunity to dive deeper and create a more enriching existence.
Tools for loneliness
Loneliness is complex because, humans are complex. So what you need to learn are tools to better understand yourself and your expereinces. Below are actions to help you on this journey to finding your personal perspective:
1. Journaling is a key tool for self-discovery. When we listen to all the thoughts and feelings bouncing around our mind and body, it's easy to get overwhelmed and lost. Often, thoughts feel endless. Writing down your ideas, opinions, and feelings helps you gain perspective on how you think and feel.
I can guarantee that if you start writing, you will quickly learn that your thoughts and feelings are finite and often repetitive. Our minds are not great at holding many ideas at once, and the only ‘thing’ that disagrees with what I've just said is your mind, insisting it can.
So try it, take up a practice of writing down your thoughts and feelings daily, and you will start to:
a. Notice repetitive thought patterns
b. Begin to appreciate the whole of who you are
c. Realise your passions what's important to you.
2. Pay attention to your passions
If you struggle with knowing what you’re passionate about, pay attention to the topics and ideas you think and talk about the most. It can be useful to ask the people closest to you, what they observe you are passionate about.
Also, be patient with this process, as often we dismiss or block out, what we truly love in life because we deny to ourselves that we are allowed to enjoy it. Denial of our joy can be due to having critical and judgmental parents that cause us to become critical and judgmental of ourselves.
Only through self-reflection and paying attention to your passion can you unlock the truth of your heart.
When you have discovered your passions, take active steps to pursue them. This can be in the form of research, reading books, watching videos, attending courses, and other activities that allow you to engage with your passion.
Conclusion
If you use the tools and ideas above, you will find yourself feeling better connected, meeting people and having more passionate conversations.
You will beam with internal confidence, for you are connected to yourself, your passions, and sharing your passion and journey with others around you.
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