What Defines Us?
Sovereignty
A potent idea is that each of us is a sovereign being.
It’s an idea that evokes personal power and the ability to assume control over our lives and destiny.
The problem is most people do not feel this way.
Lots of people feel there are cosmic or political forces that take charge of their lives.
I witnessed this thought pattern highlighted over the 2020 pandemic.
Whether people felt mentally locked down by the experience or conspiratorial about powers controlling the narrative of their life during that period, there was a consensus that life was and is out of our control.
The belief was that others had control or cosmic forces were responsible.
And we had to go along with it and bide our time until such forces released us back into freedom.
To me, this is the opposite of being sovereign and the opposite of being free.
I do not deny that some situations and events are outside our control.
My philosophy is, "It's not what happens to us, but how we respond, that matters."
The Tale of Two Brothers
My Mauritian-born father lost his father when he was only 12. One day, his father went to work and never came home.
A fatal accident left my father and his siblings without their dad.
Their mother could not read or write, and their family had little money and were without a breadwinner.
My dad has told me his story many times, and although my father rarely mentions it, what sticks out is how different my father and his brother's lives turned out.
In that era, my father, as a young Muslim boy, took it upon himself to continue going to the mosque as his father had taught him.
He chose faith to carry him forward in life.
His brother took a very different path.
His brother hung out with kids on the street.
His brother got into trouble, into drugs, and became an addict.
As the years rolled on, my father kept pursuing growth, taking steps in pursuit of a devout life, one steeped in faith and sidestepping the many vices that exist.
He moved to England, found love, married, had three kids, and started a business with his wife.
They worked hard and built a life together.
Now in his 70s, he is happy, stress-free & healthy.
His brother never got off the drugs.
His brother lived the life of an addict, siphoning money from his family to pay for drugs.
Sadly, due to my uncle's habit, he caught gangrene and passed away in his late 50s.
The difference in my uncle's and my father's life highlights how the same external forces produce a multitude of paths.
It marks the importance of our ability to focus and choose what happens next instead of reacting to our circumstances.
Courage is heavily required to make choices, especially when facing uncertainty.
I believe that's why my father is devoutly religious - his faith in God gave him courage in a time of great pain and disillusion.
Faith that things will work out and God has a plan!
At the same time, my uncle chose a type of rebellion and numbing to deal with the same pain.
In Mauritius, in the sixties, they wouldn't have known what we know today.
People didn't have access to the world of information we exist in today and the awareness of how trauma impacts our lives.
Back then, having emotional resilience was pot luck - written in destiny and based on the whims of their character.
Our Personal Story
Today, we can view things from the vantage point of hindsight.
We have access to vast knowledge from around the world.
And yet still, being so close to our perceptions, we rarely examine the stories we have told ourselves since we were young and continue to live out today.
Our personal story becomes full of old ideas that cause us to act in detrimental ways to ourselves and our relationships as we act on decisions made decades ago.
We'd be outraged to learn that our government was forcing us to adhere to outdated laws, yet we do this to ourselves every day by living through outdated ideas.
For the longest time, I existed with the idea that "I am not allowed to be capable."
I convinced myself that someone or something was preventing me from reaching my goals.
An idea born from being a loud, playful, and audacious child raised in a strict religious household.
I never felt I fit in or was 'allowed' to be.
I believed there was something wrong with the way I am.
The result was I avoided taking action.
I suppressed my dreams and desires and displayed a whole lot of people-pleasing.
I avoided sharing ideas publicly or even my sense of joy - for fear of being smacked down by the hand of judgment.
This fear painfully reached every part of my life: my writing, my art, my leadership, my earning power, and especially my relationships.
The fear of speaking up and the resistance I had to the process of trying and failing, a core facet of life, resulted in my heavy feeling of restriction.
To arrive here now, writing articles like this one you are reading and believing I have value to share, has taken me years of dealing with the inner child who was too afraid to utter a word without being judged.
In dating, I spent countless hours battling my inner voice of inferiority, inherently believing I was not worthy of a woman's attention.
If I did get into a relationship, I would reject myself, inevitably damaging the relationship.
In business, my drive was reluctant as I lacked belief in my ideas and my ability to turn them into reality, which resulted in very little money.
To compensate, I sought out people I perceived to be powerful and 'capable' and latched on to them for the ride.
But that didn't work.
I lost money, time, and energy investing in and supporting others to grow at the cost of my joy.
Meanwhile, I always felt left in the shadows.
I was a follower, a watcher, and a sidekick.
Metaphorically, I was giving others my left arm and expected them to make it stronger for me!
I tell my tale to illustrate that each of us has a personal story.
Other people's beliefs will differ from mine but the impact is the same!
Living according to outdated ideas causes stress, overwhelm, and breakdowns in life and relationships.
UNSTORY
The frustration of constantly feeling stuck sparked the journey for me to discover and explore my own story.
And I began a process I now call 'UNSTORY.'
Letting go of an old limited life story so we can create a new and empowered life.
As an adult, I became aware I was living out of fears of my younger self.
Ideas solidified by a young mind that decided it was best to be fearful and tip-toeing around authority or risk punishment.
But I was no longer young.
I was an adult emotionally behaving and acting on the outdated decisions of a child.
The awareness that my mind had become overridden by fear like a wild horse on the loose, hell-bent on galloping away from whatever startled it.
And if I didn't learn to reign in the horse, to soothe and calm its jittery demeanour, I would be taken on the ride and be at the behest of its momentum.
The Power of Maturity
Mine has been a journey of deep self-exploration and getting back to zero. Questioning and untangling my beliefs to the point that I recognised it is all made up.
All beliefs and all meaning we attach to things - we made up!
The decisions that led to my fears and tip-toeing, I made up!
And though it is all made up, it is not meaningless.
There is utility in our experiences and what we learn. Your journey and life story are meaningful to you and everyone you help.
Teaching Men Authenticity, 2011
Grasping this fact is a step towards maturity with our life experiences and leadership.
It enables you to have choice and choose how you respond to circumstances.
Pain is an empowering teacher, but left unexamined, pain causes us to get stuck and holds us captive.
By exploring pain, our old patterns of self-blame, shame, and guilt become a doorway for curiosity, growth, and empowerment.
Harnessing the good in us and the things we dislike about ourselves allows us to become whole.
Instead of hiding what we deem shameful, you can embrace and cherish yourself wholly, enabling self-compassion and forgiveness.
This results in empathy and treating others with kindness because you recognise that everyone has hidden parts they would prefer not to share openly.
In normalising all aspects of your being, the good and the 'bad,' you permit others to be whole in your presence.
Empathy is the hidden bonus of emotional maturity, the appreciation of everyone's journey, such as our parents or anyone we feel treated us poorly. They were all doing the best they could.
With this perception, you set foot in the world more gently, with a sense of peace, present to the moment now and where you are heading.
It feels fresh, a blank slate, akin to youthful curiosity, coupled with years of experience to cultivate, capitalise upon or observe.
And no matter what occurs, whatever obstructs your path, you take stock of it with deft rational, and less child-like reaction.
This is freedom, this is sovereignty.
Purpose & Possibility
Thinking back to my father's brother, my uncle, and how he might have felt. If he lacked self-awareness, gripped by his pain, his power to choose was limited, and he coped the best that he could given the circumstances.
In contrast, I have been fortunate to develop self-awareness to look beneath the surface of my experiences.
I can choose and change.
Coupled with my desire for growth - I am compelled, beyond the grip of fear, to share my story and help others.
This desire is now a rolling snowball, building in momentum and direction.
It manifests as promoting mental health awareness and mentoring men & children about the power of emotions. My goal is to provide people with the tools and mental agility to navigate their inner world.
Teaching Kids Emotions, 2023
I hypothesise that everyone has a purpose awaiting discovery.
Combining the appreciation of your journey and pain with your natural gifts and talents and the desire to help others, you can unlock your purpose.
Your Next Step:
A common challenge people face is uncovering the talents they hide from the world. We often bury the things we love to keep them guarded for fear of judgment. These hidden parts of us bring out our deepest sense of joy.
I provide a downloadable meditation that unearths the ideas and actions to align you with your purpose.
To discover what you have locked away, message me for a link to my free meditation.
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